Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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