it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
