I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
