I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We were destined to go to rehab together
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
