I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
