Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ambien. No doubt about it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I need to calm my uterus...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
