There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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