Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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