I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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