i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just cropdusted the office
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
