your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
