So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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