Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
