thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
