It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
