when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
