last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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