My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
