You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
