oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
