I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
