it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
