don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
