the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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