He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
