Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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