normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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