If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
