I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
