Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
