thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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