you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
