You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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