I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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