I threw up into my coffee this morning.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
