I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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