I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
