Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
