"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
