You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
