I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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