my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
