just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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