At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
