why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
