So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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