Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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