Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
