If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
