So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
