I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
